(Associated Press dispatch, Washington, D.C., April 18, 2009):

AP Newswire. The Obama administration announced today that it is “turning the page” on drug dealers, armed robbers, and those found to have perpetrated drive-by shootings.

“We need to be looking forward, not backward,” the President told an afternoon press gathering on the South Lawn at the White House. He added that many of these people “thought that what they were doing was lawful at the time.”

In related news, President Obama also promised that he would ignore any crimes committed by domestic kidnappers and torturers if they committed crimes while working for the government.

In California, the killer who raped her eight-year-old victim is reportedly considering asking the court to “turn the page” and let her go, since “God told me to do it.

All of this warms my heart. It vindicates the hours and cash I personally spent to advance the candidacy of our new President. It’s change you can believe in.

In the new national order, forgiveness is the watchword. The principles of Nuremberg, to borrow an expression from former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, are “quaint” in the modern world. Forget the tired old nonsense about accountability. You can’t run a modern state without a strong domestic spy apparatus, and who would want to work for the secret police if they were always worried about future prosecution?

Amnesty for everyone! Except, of course, for Roman Polanski, Rod Blagojevich, and the hundreds of thousands encarcerated for smoking marijuana.

Amnesty for cops who shoot unarmed citizens. Amnesty for the CEOs who steal the life savings of millions. Hey, anybody can make an honest mistake.

I like the new Obama Nation, a place where nearly anything goes.